Sometimes life can get a sub down or overwhelmed by life and then, what does a Dom do? How should a Dom deal with a sub that’s struggling with problems? The way I see it, a Dom is responsible for managing the emotional state of his subs and helping her get her shit together. (Of course, this means the Master must have his shit together.) He can push her but he can’t push her too far or he risks damaging her… and also…how to push her really depends on the particulars of the sub. So I’m going to discuss the appropriate handling of common issues with subbies and problems and how to deal with them.
First of all, remember that the brain is like a complex pharmacy factory constantly making and pumping out chemicals into your sub’s brain. She reacts to them but isn’t always in control of them. So how and when should a Dom react?
Well, the second part of that question, ‘when to react’ is easy to answer: as soon as possible. Emotional states tend to be self-reinforcing so if someone is starting to go on tilt, it’s best to re-balance them before they establish negative cycles and her brain becomes accustomed to pumping out ‘depressive chemicals.’
Now the hard question is, ‘how do you react?” I’m going to be honest here and say there is no magic bullet. It depends very much on you, you emotional IQ, you sub, her needs, the specific issue that she is dealing with, her relationship to that issue and her relationship with you. What I am saying is, everyone is different.
So let’s break it down and look at the various parts to see possible ways to react.
How empathetic are you? If you the type of guy that relates to others very easily and accurately senses her emotions….this is a great advantage. Talking with her should come fairly easily to you.
1) She often just wants to be heard.
As much as you want to ‘solve’ the problem for her…that’s often exactly the wrong tact to take and it will frustrate her. Why? Because she’s often just wanting someone to listen to her so she can tell you how she is feeling. If you cut her off and try to provide solutions…she’ll think, “Damn, he’s not listening to me at all and doesn’t care about my emotions. What a jerk.” I can’t emphasize this enough. Why? Because guys have a strong tendency to problem solve. It’s the ‘active’ thing to do. And guess what? As a guy, when you tell your buddies about a problem, you don’t give a fuck if they know you’re frustrated by the problem: you are telling them so they can help solve the problem.
How Guys Deals with Problems
eg. Guy1 “I’m going crazy with this situation at work. X is being a real dick and won’t to me. But Y insists we work together on the same project and won’t transfer me. It sucks.”
Guy2 “Oh, have you tried the project website www.X.com
? It breaks things down by task and then you can split up the entire job with each doing your part independently so you’ll barely have to talk to this guy.”
Guy1, “OMG! That’s great. I’ll try that. Thanks.”
How Girls Deals with Problems
eg. Girl1 “I’m going crazy with this situation at work. X is being a real dick and won’t to me. But Y insists we work together on the same project and won’t transfer me. It sucks.”
Girl2 “Oh honey, I’m sorry. You said you’re going crazy…what’s that like?”
Girl1, “OMG! It’s horrible. I’m running around mad at him half the day. Now I just want to drink.”
Girl2, “Awww, that IS horrible. Let’s go get some wine and talk about how you’re feeling.”
So remember, what she needs is to talk about her feelings and not necessarily solutions right away.
I’m such a sucky, on the nose writer right now…but hopefully you get the drift of the differences between what men and women are wanting.
DISCLAIMER: I’m making a lot of generalizations here. Some feminists will lose their shit upon reading such generalizations based on gender. But from my life and experience: the genders are very different. Ignoring differences is foolish. Wishing that the genders are perfectly equal and claiming there are no differences — that’s like saying, “I really want the sky to be purple and so it is.”
Remember, my goal here is to be as useful to as many people as possible. If I really upset you, I apologize and suggest you look up anal fisting instead.
2. She craves security.
If you are not particularly empathetic, this
is probably the best avenue for you. If your little subbie is feeling stressed and overwhelmed she probably is not feeling particularly secure in her life. This is where you can add a sense of strength and stability. Being in confident and in control of the situation can greatly add to a sense of relief and taking away of the burdens of life.
Now this is in stark contrast to #1 and listening to her. In this case, you’re stepping in and taking charge of the situation and dominating it.
Make her feel like a slave.
One possible example of this is taking her on completely dominating her. Don’t ‘settle’ for her lack of mindfulness….whip her and tie her up. Use a crop to get her to obey and learn new skills. Basically, make her completely forget that she has any other problems at all.
When she feels like a slave she knows her position, the expectation upon her and exactly how she should behave. All of this adds structure and comfort to the experience.
Again, this may work depending on the needs of your sub in that moment — or it could be a huge catastrophic fail…so watch her carefully and change your tactics as you get feedback.
Now depending on the type of girl she is, a) she may want to tackle a problem head-on, b) she wants to talk about her feelings, c) she wants to bury her head in the sand, or d) she hopes that you’ll solve the problem for her.
a) If she wants to tackle it head on…then you helping her with it may or may not be appreciated. Personally, if I’m doing something and someone else comes along and tells me how to do it…it makes me NUTS!! So keep that in mind. If she wants to handle it herself, let her. If she needs help, offer and then let her come to you.
b) If she wants to talk about — talk about her feelings and don’t,
under any circumstances, attempt to tackle the problem. If you come up with the perfect solution, make a mental note and bring it up later.
c) If she wants to bury her head in the sand…it’s going to brew and get made into a more difficult thing than it is. Personally, I don’t like this state at all as it leaves her feeling continually stressed. You need to kick her ass a bit to get her to deal with the situation and put it behind her.
d) If she wants a strong man to solve it for her…this is a tricky ground. There are some
risks to you as a Dom associated with this one. Because this puts all the pressure and responsibility on you….which you might end up resenting her for coming to you with any problems. Additionally, it establishes a precedent where you are then to deal with all her shit…which may not be anything you’re interested in and you’ll definitely end up resenting this over time. And if you’ve been her knight in shining armor before and solved something awesomely well for her…she may feel betrayed if you choose to ignore the problem (hey, that’s your shit, you’re gonna have to deal with it.) Finally, you put your status at risk because if you get crushed by the problem you’re definitely diminished in her eyes. So those are the risks.
However, if you step up and deal the problem…you give her a sense of support and caring that she may need. She learns that she can learn to lean on your strength and intelligence and may even develop a sense of awe about you. Now, this method will work best for a real alpha male who actually IS superior and has strength, creativity, intelligence, and resourcefulness. A guy like me can often crush problems underfoot rather easily and so it works to take this path…but again…just because I can choose to take on one type of problem where the path is obvious to me…doesn’t mean I’m gonna be thrilled to do your fucking taxes. (I can do them…even if they’re a mess and fairly complex…but I will HATE it and not be a happy camper at all.
Now if your sub is really struggling with depression and not just one issue…see my post on 10 WAYS for a DOM to Deal with a Depressed Sub .