First off, this post is not for the rancid queefs who came to ‘the lifestyle’ to get laid and ‘smack bitches around’. There is no teaching for those types as they need to go back and learn the core lessons from kindergarten again.
This is for those that call themselves ‘Sir’ or ‘Master.’ The Dominant should know that every other Dom in watching/judging them at parties. How do I judge? First off, I classify any bad Dom as one who is unsafe. That is your primary fucking job: keep the submissive safe! If you don’t do that, you’ve failed as a Dom and it doesn’t matter one baked queef if you have the coolest toys…the point is: you don’t know how to use those toys safely so you shouldn’t be using them at all.
Despite our illusions of grandeur, there is but one thing we as Dominants actually control in a scene: ourselves. I say again: you only control yourself. You have no real control over the submissive, the properties of the ropes, physics or anyone watching. You just control yourself.
And what fucking terrifies me a Dom who loses that control!
It is not about losing control and becoming an enraged monster who is engulfed with desire
— so much so that you are blinded to the Number 1 Rule: Keep Your submissive Safe. If you lose control and drop that ball, you are putting her at risk, you selfish prick. Because this is not about you. A scene is about her. A submissive
Where are your rope cutters?
should always be ultimately in control of the scene…not you. She is the one who grants you the power. And she is the one who can take it away if you fuck up.
And if you lose control, you should have that power taken away from you. Sadly, that is just the scenario where you won’t stop. Suddenly the scene transforms from one of light-hearted play to terrifying rape. Worse, the panic she feels echos and resonates across the entire fetish community. If you, in your uncontrolled state ‘lose yourself’ and don’t realize the kind of damage you are inflicting…you are 10 times as clueless to the emotional damage you are inflicting. She loses the ability to trust — and could easily ruin her as a submissive for the rest of us.
Buy a fucking mirror. You are not a Lord but a merely a man. You are flawed and human. You do not deserve the respect of everyone in the room…you have to earn it. If you think you know everything and have nothing left to learn– you are a dumbass. Everyone has stuff to learn. Especially in the multifaceted craft of BDSM. There is so much to learn that no one can possibly know it all. Even you. If you think there is no better way to do things aside from your way…you are probably a dangerous Master. If you lose control in any way during a scene: you are definitely a dangerous Master.
If these things accurately describe you: please turn in your title at the end of this post. Don’t worry, you can earn it back. The important thing is to know and to not place anyone else at risk. Remember, it is the number of people that want to submit to you regularly, that know, love and respect you that determines how good a Master you are. If you have been a dangerous prick in the community for years…that doesn’t mean squat. Consider how many are wanting and willing to play with you repeatedly.
You’ll notice I didn’t focus on a particularly dangerous practice (like fucked up suspension bondage) as that shit is too numerous…but at the core of each of those problems is the man. A man who is unwilling to listen, unwilling to learn and unable to stay in control. Though if I had to pick just one, general dangerous practice it would be “negotiating during a scene.” Just don’t do it. If she hasn’t agreed to it beforehand, you can’t expect valid consent during a scene…things just don’t work that way. Stick to what you discussed beforehand.