It’s hard to be a Dom

slave-bound-with-masterSeriously. You have to have a lot of skills to be a Dom/Domme.  A good Dom/me must have both physical, emotional, planning and command skills… and so I am going to argue that it is much more difficult to be a Dom/me than it is to be a sub.  A good Dom/me must be in command at all times and ‘have their game face on’ in front of their sub — and this does take some effort (and natural inclination, of course.)  But a good Dom  (I will use the male gender because it is shorter) must also have a wide variety of skills and he must be proficient at them in order to be effective.

After all, if a slave is inexperienced…its the Dom’s responsibility to guide her.  But if the Dom is not proficient at what he is doing, it erodes his aura of skill and control and the sub immediately begins to drift away from such a man.  So being unskilled can cost him relationships.

Possible skills a Dom may require include:

  • use of floggers
  • use of whips (this is very different from floggers)
  • slave-on-leashhow to spank
  • safe use of clamps
  • knowledge of nerve locations (to avoid nerve damage)
  • aftercare skills
  • planning skills (to keep the submissive constantly engaged in an activity
  • fireplay skills
  • knowledge about safety especially if the skin is broken (also bloodplay)
  • knowledge of hypnosis and directing one’s thoughts with words
  • being able to ‘read’ the sub from body language
  • being able to anticipate the sub’s needs
  • Oral sex skills (aside: I did hear a Dom speak about not giving oral sex because it made him feel ‘submissive’ and I have to admit, I immediately mentally labeled him a douchebag because *everybody* needs to be good at oral sex. It’s a fucking life skill.)
  • Knowing how to clean and care for toys
  • knowledge about safe use of electricity
  • knowledge of  using blindfolds and the states they can trigger
  • hell, knowledge of a sub’s triggers
  • knowing how to tie knot
  • general rope tying and safety skills
  • emergency release techniques to quickly get a sub out of bondage
  • proper use of birth control and barriers such as condoms
  • how to fuck well
  • how to make a sub squirt (ok, female ejaculation and fucking are life skills but a Dom who can’t quickly loses her respect.)
  • how to build DIY bondage equipment (can include general carpentry skills for building things like a St. Andrew’s Cross)
  • how to control and direct someone effectively
  • how to humiliate her
  • gaining consent and negotiations
  • use of gags
  • dietary and exercise control (which includes a lot of sub-categories here from basic nutrition, physiology, muscle training theories etc.)
  • orgasm control (forced orgasms, chastity, permission to cum etc.)
  • the science behind BDSM and why it works (including topics such as psychology, brain chemistry,
  • use of riding crops, belts, paddles  and other impact equipment
  • warton wheels
  • safe use and disposal of needles
  • basic first aid
  • sensory deprivation (earphones, masks, hoods and blindfolds)
  • roleplaying
  • ageplay
  • how to look and act confident
  • tantric energy exchanges
  • hair pulling
  • control holds and wrestling (also includes things like submission holds and arm bars etc.)
  • how to use every sex toy (anal beads, magic wands, vibes, dildos, butt blugs, bullet vibes, ben wa balls)
  • anal and vaginal hooks
  • corsets (including how to lace them up)
  • how to use hot wax (this also includes how to properly wax a girl because Brazilians are expensive for her and when someone else does it, you don’t get to see the look of pain on her face — but I was initially thinking candles)
  • collars
  • proper suspension bondage (including suspension cuffs, weight distribution, and suspension rope ties)


    Skills displayed: control, suspension, clamps, anal hooks

  • financial domination
  • the rules and etiquette at various parties and other BDSM scenes
  • where to put things like hooks, pulleys and other tie points so they are structurally sound (spoiler alert: studs)
  • bathtubs, jacuzzi jet and watersports
  • Self-control and mindfulness
  • protocols, positions, manners and rituals
  • AND most important of all: how to love and respect his slave(s)
These are all skills I have acquired to various degrees of proficiency (granted, my electro-play, bloodsports and anal/vaginal hooks all are not as high as they should be due to access to TENS units, violet wands and anal hooks.  Bloodplay is not a huge interest of mine  — although I have worn my slave’s blood around my neck in a fang necklace so it’s not entirely lacking by any means either 😉  )
But these are *some* of the skills a good Dom has to learn — and learn them well enough to keep her safe and not inflict unintentional harm.

So yeah, it’s a lot of work to be a Dom and you have to learn a lot to be good at it.

Meanwhile, a submissive simply needs to overcome her mind, pain and learn how to follow orders and apologize. Of course, I am not saying it is super easy to be a good submissive…but being a Dom is definitely hard.


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