The Holy Bible: But Gayer

You may have heard about the recent ‘Mayor of Hell’ who declared that straight, heterosexual people were banned from Hell. If not, I really should have done a blog article on that! (Ok, the jist of it is, you can pay become the mayor of Hell, Michigan for a day. Hell is a tiny little town with the population of about 2000 and has a somewhat hellish name which makes people want to become mayor of their town.) Anyway, Elijah Daniel, who became mayor of Hell and made the provocative decree – just published a book.

First off, I think Elijah is pretty funny for taking advantage of the City of Hell selling the title of mayor for a day and decreeing:

As of today, I am establishing new vetting measures to keep radical heterosexuals out of our town. We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our town the very heterosexual threats we are fighting against. The straights coming into our town, procreating, having more straight children to take our rightfully gay jobs. We only want to admit those into our town who will support our town and love deeply our people. I currently feel as if it would just be safer to ban all heterosexuality until we can access the situation further and build a strategy to resolve our problem….Any heterosexuals currently residing in Hell will be charged an $84,000 reproductive precautionary deposit, which will be returned after one year of abstinence from any heterosexual activities. 

As a followup to banning heterosexuals from Hell, he wrote a book which is a rewriting of the best selling Holy Bible with some key changes made to it. Namely, the bible has been made a whole lot gayer. He titled it, The Holy Bible: But Gayer The book took the popular religious text and mixed in a lot more gayness. For example, the obvious change from “Adam and Eve” to “Adam and Steve” was made.

More controversial, he also goes through the various Bible stories and inserts sodomy all over the place and brings to light some rather racy stories already in the bible which many people don’t know are actually in there.
My favorite example is…

Let’s get our daddy to drink mimosa and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.”

That night they got their daddy to drink mimosa, and the older daughter went in and LITERALLY RAPED HIM. (THIS IS REALLY IN THE FUCKING BIBLE ISN’T THAT INSANE? I ONLY CHANGE A FEW WORDS. THIS SHIT IS IN THE BIBLE) He was not aware of it when he lay down or when she got up.

If you want to read the original, check out Genesis 19 starting at verse 30. Also note that in that actual bible, Genesis 19 verse 1-8, Lot offers up his daughters to be raped. (But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, 7and said, “Please, my brothers, do not act wickedly. 8“Now behold, I have two daughters who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these men, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.”)

Now what do I think about this? (The gaying up version of the bible, I mean.) Well, first off, as a Mormon Christian, I am extremely offended. Oh wait, no I’m not…I just think this is really funny. The fact that the Bible and Christians have pushed their heterosexual, monogamous marriage agenda on everyone for centuries, I think this is an amusing way to call attention to this. I don’t believe anyone should have the right to tell someone else how to live. Period. The church has gotten away with this for far too long and it is simply an accepted fact. So a gay man saying that heterosexuals should be banned – and only gay relationships are acceptable – shines a spotlight on this.

I don’t believe that the author is in any way serious nor do I believe that he actually hates straight people nor wants them banned… he is simply using humor to point out how wrong it is for anyone to say such things. I hope that people in various churches who feel like they have the right to ban homosexuality, reeducate gays and other offensive practices – are force to take a look in the mirror and see how they feel about being on the ‘banned’ side. Perhaps some of them will see how poorly they have been behaving – and stop. But they probably won’t.

Finally, my thoughts on the actual bible and banning homosexuality…these things are never mentioned by Jesus. In fact, the vast majority of anti-gay statements made in the bible can be attributed to Paul of the new testament. Paul never actually met Jesus and certainly wasn’t a disciple. No, Paul was actually vehemently against Christians until he was walking down a road and had Jesus appear to him in a vision – and suddenly became a hardcore Christian. For reasons I cannot comprehend, Paul has been given 13 books in the new testament including Romans, Corinthians, Galatians, Collossians, Phillippians, Philimon and Thessalonians. These are where you will find all the words which have been used to claim that homosexuality is a sin – and so all this hatred stems from Paul.

Personally, when I read the bible, I think Jesus is an enlightened individual who truly got things. And when I read the books by Paul, I usually notice because something weird sticks out and I go, ‘WTF? Why is this in here?? Oh wait, this is by Paul, isn’t it?” And every time, it has been.