Jealousy is something that people often have very strong feelings about. We learn about jealousy from countless movies and shows where we learn how to react to it. The typical script is for the person to freak out, throw a tantrum and break up with the person. Invariably, the jilted party is incredibly angry and upset. And so when this happens in real life, people react the only way they have seen. And this is wrong.
By teaching people to react to jealousy with strong, often violent emotions and childlike tantrum, we create a world where the possibility of a mature response is absent. People don’t even consider the possibility that their partner is happier this way, that their current relationship can continue and hell, that their relationship might even be better because of it.
A little known fact is that when people cheat on their partners, there is a very high likelihood that they will have sex more often with their current partner than before. Often, cheaters give their original partner more gifts, are more attentive and loving, and they are happier in their lives in general – meaning their partners find them much better to be around.
The truth is, having more than one relationship doesn’t have to destroy and blow up your current relationship. If you were to honestly analyze it, your relationship probably improved when the 2nd relationship started. Additionally, the new energy brought by the new person can improve the sex life of the original couple as, instead of being ‘stuck in a rut’ the new person brings new tricks, new techniques and more excitement to the bedroom — all of which the lover takes back to the original partner.
Instead of freaking out when an alternate relationship is discovered, the door becomes open to…well everything! The main issue with seeing another lover is NOT that there is another lover in the picture! That is completely wrong. What we are truly reacting to is the deception. The realization that your partner hasn’t been working late at the office — they have been lying to you! And that makes people angry. So when you discover that your partner has been cheating, don’t assume that the other partner is the problem and but the blame where is should be: on the deception. Instead of having a tantrum like a toddler, sit them down and say, “I feel incredibly hurt because you felt that you had to lie to me and have lied to me repeatedly. ” Then ask them to be honest with you about how they feel about this new person. Is it just a purely sexual thing? Do they feel for them? If they do have feelings for the new person, does that mean they don’t like you anymore? (Spoiler: no! Having feelings for a new person does not mean that their feelings and everything they invested in you are suddenly gone!! No at all. People can and do care for more than one person at a time. Ask any mother with more than one child!)
The key is how to handle the jealousy and the deception that has occurred – and how to do it like an adult. Know that almost every TV show and movie handles it wrong and if you follow that example, you will get the drama and bullshit that is interesting for viewers to watch but totally shit for your actual life. So take some time out to deal with things as an adult and be open to the possibility of the new lover sticking around. Don’t try and punish your partner nor cut them off. You may even be able to have a little fun on the side as well. IF you handle this properly, the cheating can improve your relationship substantially, make you both happier in the long run and most importantly, it can bring you much closer together.