This is a challenge I find for myself. I am fasting, eating clean and meditating… But the retreat also demands that we don’t have any sex or masterbation from now till the retreat… And that seems fucking hard for someone like me. I will have to consciously refocus the energy otherwise I will go fucking insane.
We’ll see how this goes.
Yesterday was kinda rough for me… I felt myself dip down in vibration and become… Sad… Which is not my usual state at all. Worse, Pumpkin started blaming herself for my sadness, which is ridiculous. It only lasted about 2-3 hours but still…
And part of the sadness was wanting to connect with Pumpkin sexually… But feeling that she is too self-conscious to enjoy herself lately. Shew would prefer that I look at porn instead of her. I love looking at porn… But sharing it with her joyously and lusting after her is the way to go… Not having it as a shield that prevents me from seeing her (she has some really weird ideas about the body. Like she has said she wishes she didn’t have a body at all and that I would like her more without a body… Which is fucking retarded as how the fuck would I cuddle and hug her??
Another thing I found myself struggling with was the lack of attention I was getting from Ladybug (I know it is entirely because of school!) but I feel such a strong pull towards her and… Well it seems like she is getting more distant from me and I hate that idea!
I hate it most because it makes me feel vulnerable… My caring for her is radically risky… And not getting any (or enough lol) reassurances is scary.
This morning I was meditating on her and my heart, telling myself that I know that I create my reality, that we met before coming her to these physical bodies and agreed to this… That I should just open my heart up to her because that is what she needs most right now…. Especially now as she is struggling and doing her very best and simply needs 100% of my love and support. So I am trying to be strong and brave and just love her as best I can. And trust that the universe won’t stomp on my heart. When I was feeling lowest I was worried that she had met some handsome young student and he was sweeping her off of her feet and I was just opening my heart up to heartbreak.
Still, I will meditate more on opening my heart, on being the best Father I can be and to trusting and loving like I’ve never been hurt.
And I still don’t know how I am going to do this celebrate thing. Especially being around her if she visits… I already want to strip her naked and lick her everywhere…
We shall see… These will be interesting times.