My first Ayahausca trip was disgusting with a LOT of vomiting. My 2nd trip was utterly transformative. Before traveling to Arkana, I had set the intention to open and heal my heart. I hadn’t felt my heart truly for at least 20 years — and it was time to heal. But could ayahuasca do the job? I asked mother Ayahausca to open my heart and knew I had to go into the experience like a warrior as my first trip made it obvious that there was more work to do before my heart could open.
The Sweat Lodge
I prepared myself mentally all day. I meditated and did a wonderful sweat lodge ceremony. Actually, I was super impressed with Arkana and the intentions of the staff there in performing a proper sweat lodge. I had high expectations as when I lived in Northern Saskatchewan in a log cabin for a year in the middle of the woods…I became friends with some native and metis guys and ended up doing sweat lodges every Sunday. It was my version of church at the time. So I had concerns about the sweat lodge being done properly — especially because we were in Peru and not Canada. But Arkana nailed it. Some snow would have been nice but they did a pretty great job. The net result was I was refreshed and in a deeply spiritual space after the sweat lodge.
Starting My 2nd Trip
Going into the 2nd Ayahuasca ceremony, I was mentally prepared for a hard night yet went into it as a warrior. I kept my mind clear and focused. After drinking a cup of the medicine, I returned to my seat and called my soul and began meditating on my chakras.
After the lights went out, I found myself in deep meditation, awaiting the medicine to take hold. After about 10 or 15 minutes, I started to feel…strange. The medicine was kicking in. I kept meditating as the shaman started singing.
I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to vomit and reached for my bucket. As I purged again, briefly and it felt like I was getting rid of the last of the dark spots from last night… Although only a mouthful of vomit came up.
Given A New Heart
Then I was taken on a wonderful trip where I was given a new soul and new heart to tend to and care for. Mother Ayahausca planted a brand new heart seedling in my chest and gave me instructions on how to care for it. I realized that I was the one responsible for nurturing my heart and more importantly, the self loathing and judging of myself that I had been harboring (and spent the last trip purging out) could not coexist with an open heart. I could only have an open heart if I trusted myself and stopped judging myself so harshly. It was my duty to stop judging the things my heart loves and embrace it fully. My heart became a tender little seedling and I was to love and protect it so that it could grow in a healthy way…to grow my heart into a strong tree.
I breathed in and felt the vitality and love start to flow around my heart. And I felt the channels of love open up in my heart. And then…I felt the love start to flow. I felt my little seedling heart start to open up and the love feeling began spreading through my chest. And with that, a remembering of being a child and feeling the love in my chest as my heart opened. This truly was a healing and my heart chakra started to work again! I felt the love growing and spreading — and I had a sense of immense joy and happiness as I realized that it had worked! It actually worked!!! Ayahausca had opened and healed my heart — my highest hope for this entire trip, a hope that I felt was possibly just a pipe dream…but now it had happened!
My heart seedling opened up and sprouted and as this tiny little plant grew, I felt regressed to the body of a baby. It was like I was reborn and I became pure feeling like a baby. This rebirth gave my body the feel of a baby laying on his back…while I was being nurtured by Mother Ayahausca and the universe. I felt my heart grow and saw a bright green stalk of a plant grow up towards the sun and some little leaves pop out of the tiny little sprig. As it grew, I grew a wee little bit to a larger little infant and at one point rolled over suckled on the teat of my water bottle. This suckling felt like I was drinking from the breast of the universe and the nurturing milk of the water that sustains all life flowed joyously into my mouth! My thankfulness for the milk and the experience opened my heart to a state of pure joy — and my heart grew stronger.
Growing My New Heart
I grew up and became a young boy as I breathed life into my heart. I saw the other children playing and I marveled in their beauty — as my heart grew and opened more. Feelings of love radiated from my heart. I saw so much beauty in the world. Then I met with my little friend Summer who is 7 and connected deeply with Summer and her childlike joy. With this, my heart grew tenfold and I felt a deep deep love for her.
My love grew and grew — and with it that my heart was my power source. The feeling of love that I felt was not because of someone else or linked to an ‘other’ in any way but it was me. My heart. Love isn’t about other people. Love is about authentically being who you are and appreciating the wonder of the world around us.
As I grew up more and got older, I was gripped by the joy and love within the shaman’s songs. I recognized that the maestro was like a wise grandfather teaching us lessons by singing the song of his heart so purely and powerfully. His songs and the way he was so present in the moment and committed to the experience was a lesson for all of us on how to live life. His heart song was so beautiful because it was his essence and he lived it fully. He became a hero to my young boy self as I listened with awe. And as I listened, my heart grew for him and expanded in my chest. I felt so proud to know him and to have such a wonderful example of how to live and sing from the heart.
I grew to an early adolescent boy and realized that my grandmother, the shaman’s wife who was also signing from her heart, I realized that they were both wonderful examples on how to live. And I became aware of the fact that I too, had to find my own heart song. I had to find my place in the world and sing the love song of my life.
All of this grew and opened my heart as I breathed love into it. Each wonderful breath opened my heart further and drenched it with love. And that love radiated out of my chest, through my veins and invigorated my body, making my body strong and healthy. But this love wasn’t love for anyone external but it was a love for myself. A love that I have never known.
As my love opened up, I was filled with appreciation for all the other souls in my life. A profound appreciation for all those in this very room. I felt a love for my family, for those I work with. And I knew that I had to have the courage, the absolutely profound courage to love and respect myself fully… To accept all of whom I am. I had to accept the opinions and potential judgement of others but never refuse to be who I truly am, driven by my heart. I realized that some of the things I love and that open my heart were selected for me, by me, before I even came to this planet. My higher self selected some of these things as a challenge — an extreme challenge that I have given myself in this journey towards self love. I knew that I had to authentically be me and love whatever I loved — without loathing myself as society hated and judged me — this was my challenge to explore self-love here in this life. The judgement and perceived judgement of others was a test I selected for myself to teach myself about the true nature of self-love.
With this, I felt myself growing strong, like a tree with a thick strong trunk… Strengthening my body and my soul from my heart…. As I moved towards being a man. A man who loves himself, no matter what.
I am given the gift of having the opportunity to be who I am fully, to embrace all that I am and the beauty that I offer the world…and I know that my beauty and heart are the greatest thing that I can share… And I cannot be worried at all of others judgement… Or worse, the judgement of myself that I project others having of me. I breathed deeply and felt a deep sense of peace as I finally accepted all of who I truly am. This deep breathing filled me with energizing love — as I listened proudly to my grandfather sing his heart song, his song expressing who he truly is!
Coming of Age
I breathed in love and filled myself with new energy lines… As I shaped and formed my physical body… Choosing everything new about my physical form as part of the rebirth process. Choosing everything about the person I want to truly be.
Finally, when grandmother came by to bless me with water and tobacco…I realized that this blessing was my coming of age ceremony! I was transforming from a young boy and transitioning into a man. She sang her song and looked proudly at me, grinning as she could see my growth. As she blew water on my head, I accepted that my coming of age was complete and I had finally graduated into manhood.
With the graduation into manhood, I was now free to shape my world and my life completely on my own. I was an adult with full rights and responsibilities to be exactly whom I determined. Now, my mission is to find my heart song and to sing it loudly and proudly just like my grandfather and grandmother taught me!