The very first night at Arkana, I had prepared for over a month mentally and with diet for the event. I had prepared my spirit with regular meditation (more than once a day) and the days leading up to the ceremony were filled with yoga, meditation, fasting, mindful thoughts and even a specific tobacco ceremony known as rapé (pronounced rapay…this is a type of tobacco that is especially difficult to google!!) I was prepared for my first ayahuasca trip more than I have ever been prepared for any other hallucinogen. I was ready for a big change and healing.
Before the ceremony, they discussed the very real possibility of purging. Purging is the medicine going into you, scanning you, and helping you get rid of unwanted energy that is harming you. This can take place in a wide variety of ways from yawning, dancing, stretching to vomiting and purging. I personally was hoping that I had purified myself so much in the prior month that no purging would be required…and if it did happen to me, it would be mild and not involve vomiting or shitting myself (ok, there are toilets for the later part.)
I had been to the temple at Arkana to see it, and it had a magnificent vibe.
The ceremony started at night and I had 3/4 of a cup. The first impression was…”This is really tasty stuff! Yummy even! I could easily drink more.” Then the candles were blown out and I sat in the lotus position, meditating and calling my soul. Actually, I not only called my soul but the souls of everyone in the room. I kept up with my soul calling mantra while meditating on all my chakras.
I am the soul
I am the light divine
I am love
I am will
I am fixed design
As soon as the shaman started singing, the effects of ayahuasca started to hit. I felt both dreamlike and ultra-alert. A pleasant feeling came over my body and soon, the visions started.
The medicine was intense at first with many geometric images flowing through my mind — yet at the same time I somehow ‘knew’ that I was not to focus on them but instead work with the feelings within my body. I listened as the shaman sang and I tried to keep my focus on the big intention for using ayahausca in the first place: opening my heart. So I focused on my body and did not get distracted by fields of energy vibrating around me.
I felt calm and went into my body in a deep way. And I did not purge at all.
After …I don’t know, 2 hours? The shaman offered a 2nd cup to those who wanted more. I lined up and drank it. The 2nd cup had a completely different flavor, the texture was thicker and it tasted much more bitter.
Shortly after the 2nd cup came, I sat there cross legged and awaited the 2nd round of intensity to hit. Then, at some point, I laid back on my pillow. And then it came.
Linked with a thought about sex that lead to a thought of my favorite pornstar…I began an absolutely intense purging session. And uncontrollable need to vomit embraced me. I rolled over and quickly grabbed my bucket. And then I unleashed a awesome amount of vomit and the remaining liquid ayahausca from my stomach.
But I wasn’t done. Not even close. I vomited and vomited. I made huge, epic puking sounds that were noticed by absolutely everyone in the room. And I made these over and over again. And then I made them some more.
Meanwhile, I was in an intense state of hallucination and seeing energy vibrating around me. As I dove into my body and the energy blocks I had been carrying around for years, I purged and vomited more. I frequently lost sense of where I was or where my physical body was. I was energy. Then I would find some more blockage and vomit once again…leading me to remember that my head was ever perched over a bucket.
At one point, an assistant came to take my bucket away as they thought I was finally done and they could rinse it clean for me. I looked up them, as they asked me, “Can I take that for you?”
I looked him in the eyes and responded by making a very loud puke into the bucket.
I lost my body again as I was surrounded by energy. I went into exactly what was holding me back. Funnily, I remember thinking, ‘wow, it is really humid and disgusting and hard to breathe in here.” And I came back to my body briefly and had the thought, “Oh! It’s because my head is inside a puke bucket!”
All of this violent puking…and it still felt like a good thing. It felt like I had been through an intense healing.
I felt as if the black parts of myself, located around my liver, we plaguing my entire energy system. I dove deep into this and recognized that it was directly related to my self loathing and feeling unworthy, unworthy of love, feeling incredibly guilty about all things porn related… And all of this was weakening me and sapping my personal power. It was preventing me from opening my heart and directly related to sexual issues as well.
Mother Ayu helped me to purge this all out of me… And I puked and puked for hours… Violently. I sounded utterly disgusting. The medicine dissociated me from my body at times… And I lost sense of my body and then came back into it, feeling all that darkness and purging it some more. I knew that this was part of the process but I hadn’t realized just how horribly it was effecting my overall power and life.
I remember also being aware of everyone else in the room…like were all in this together. I was conscious of people being concerned for me as I really was making very loud, violent vomiting noises all night — and they were full of love. I remember Josh beside me laughing at one point and Ally on my other side giggling too…because my puking noises were so extreme! I giggled and smiled too — but they didn’t notice because my giggle was quickly followed by more dry heaves.
Ultimately, the vomiting and purging left me feeling…lighter and like I had done a lot of very good work that night. It felt so positive…like I had finally gotten rid of crap that had been holding me back for so long.
When the trip ended, everyone else seemed like they were in a loving happy state… I had been aware of this during the trip but it seemed like I was the only one who had been raked over the coals. Everyone was literally all hugs and lovey-dovey. There was lots of cuddling and big, open-faced smiles. Everyone was talking about how they entered a state where they were all one and everything was beautiful and bliss.
I, on the other hand…had sent my internal demons into a bucket all night.